Help Wanted

Daily Best of the Web   —   Posted on February 4, 2014

The following is an excerpt from’s “Best of the Web” written by the editor, James Taranto.

help-wantedHelp Wanted 
“3 Wanted for Daylight NYC Bank Heist”–headline, Associated Press, Feb. 1

Ut på en Lem 
“Swedish Study: Islamic Extremists Greatest Terrorism Threat”–headline,, Jan. 31

Groundhog Day

  • “Petri: [NJ Gov.] Chris Christie’s Very, Very Sad Day”–headline, Newsday (Melville, N.Y.), Jan. 12
  • “Chris Christie’s Very Bad Weekend”–headline,, Jan. 21
  • “Chris Christie’s Very Bad, Really Awful, Truly Terrible Week”–headline, Christian Science Monitor, Feb. 1
  • “Chris Christie Update: Another Terrible Weekend”–headline,, Feb. 3

Must Be a Strange New Dialect of Canadian 
“Ted Cruz Speaks in New Braunfels”–headline, KVUE-TV website (Austin, Texas), Jan. 30

News of the Tautological

  • “Flying Snakes Surprisingly Aerodynamic, New Study Shows”–headline,, Feb. 3
  • “Prediction for 2014: pork belly will be the new bacon.”–Trader Joe’s website, Feb. 3

Bottom Stories of the Day

  • “Seahawks Coach Not Asked About Possible 9/11 Trutherism Before Super Bowl Near WTC Attacks”–headline,, Feb. 1
  • “Official: Deadline for Long-Term Nuke Deal With Iran Could Be Extended”–headline,, Feb. 3

Orangutan or Owrongutan? 
This sounds like an impressive feat:

A Utah ape that has correctly picked the Super Bowl winner for six straight years predicted Thursday that the Seattle Seahawks will be the next NFL champion.

And of course the Seahawks humiliated the Denver Broncos by the unlikely score of 43-8. Talk about beating a dead horse! (That joke, by the way, won us second prize in The Advocate’s contest for funniest Super Bowl tweet. We were beaming with pride until it occurred to us that the Broncos also finished second.)

Anyway, we’re skeptical of this ape story. Look at the way his keepers determine his pick:

Eli the ape ran into an enclosure Thursday morning and swiftly knocked down a papier-mache helmet bearing the Seahawks logo, signaling his pick, said Erica Hansen of Hogle Zoo in Salt Lake City.

“He made his pick without any hesitation,” Hansen said.

That could mean bad news for Broncos fans. The 13-year-old primate hasn’t been wrong since 2006.

That would be seven (now eight) straight years. But wait. If you were asked to indicate your Super Bowl pick by knocking down a papier-mâché helmet, wouldn’t you knock down the one corresponding to the loser?

That’s right, it looks to us as if the whole thing is a put-on. Eli has been wrong eight years running.

For more “Best of the Web” click here and look for the “Best of the Web Today” link in the middle column below “Today’s Columnists.”